1
00:00:42,533 --> 00:00:43,917
What's the matter with you
Boycie?

2
00:00:44,093 --> 00:00:46,768
You don't seem you're old self tonight,
You ain't cheated once.

3
00:00:47,503 --> 00:00:50,458
No, sorry Trigger, I'm
just a bit down, that's all.

4
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:55,304
I mean, you don't know what it's like to
have a wife who cannot have children.

5
00:00:56,197 --> 00:01:02,511
I've tried to console her. I've said 'Marlene,
God didn't mean you to have kids, so shut up about it.

6
00:01:04,456 --> 00:01:05,745
'Doesn't seem to help.

7
00:01:05,947 --> 00:01:07,446
I'd like to be someone's
dad.

8
00:01:08,316 --> 00:01:11,067
We're down for another
going over at the bloody hospital next week.

9
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,513
I mean, embarrassing ain't
the word.

10
00:01:14,081 --> 00:01:16,417
I'm sure they do half those tests just for
a giggle.

11
00:01:17,993 --> 00:01:20,539
I mean, she's the one with the problem,
why have I gotta go?

12
00:01:21,446 --> 00:01:22,897
I never knew who my dad
was.

13
00:01:23,369 --> 00:01:24,923
I heard your mum weren't
that sure.

14
00:01:26,867 --> 00:01:30,955
You're out of order Mike.
She knew who my dad was...roughly.

15
00:01:32,584 --> 00:01:36,520
Now, come off it Trigger. 
I've seen your birth certificate at school!

16
00:01:36,710 --> 00:01:39,123
What did your
mum put down under father's name?

17
00:01:40,217 --> 00:01:41,466
...Long time ago weren't it?

18
00:01:42,785 --> 00:01:45,908
What did she put down under
father's name?

19
00:01:47,356 --> 00:01:54,743
'Some Soldiers!' Well maybe
that's where I get my military bering from!

20
00:01:55,330 --> 00:01:57,574
Oh yeah? Well go'n do a
counter-attack then!

21
00:02:00,526 --> 00:02:01,875
Where's Del Boy tonight then?

22
00:02:02,129 --> 00:02:03,901
- He's gone to the Zoo.
- He's gone to the...

23
00:02:03,936 --> 00:02:06,226
- Don't ask.
- Right then, I'm off now Mickey.

24
00:02:06,554 --> 00:02:10,553
Yeah, I'll see yer later
Amanda. Here doll, treat yourself to a chinky, yeah.

25
00:02:10,925 --> 00:02:13,680
Cor, cheers Mick. I'll give
you a bell in the week.

26
00:02:14,904 --> 00:02:16,332
Seems like a nice girl Mickey!

27
00:02:16,938 --> 00:02:20,684
Yeah well! You know how it is
Mike, every so often a person fancies a bit of rough!

28
00:02:21,084 --> 00:02:22,247
And she picked you?

29
00:02:24,059 --> 00:02:27,141
Oh that's a joke innit? I remember you said
something funny a couple of years ago!

30
00:02:27,802 --> 00:02:28,703
Alright Mick?

31
00:02:29,433 --> 00:02:32,644
- Alright Rodney, what you having?
- Oh, um, 'alf a lager please, ta.

32
00:02:32,679 --> 00:02:34,089
'Ere y'are Mike, make that a
big pint!

33
00:02:34,956 --> 00:02:36,571
Oi, oi, what have you been
up to then?

34
00:02:36,606 --> 00:02:39,408
I'm working for Boycie ain't I!
 Delivering, picking up.

35
00:02:39,745 --> 00:02:43,255
He's in the video game in a
big way. Pirates, naughties, all that!

36
00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:46,701
And it's cash in hand, no questions,
sweet as a nut!

37
00:02:47,457 --> 00:02:48,717
Where you been, out on the
knocker?

38
00:02:48,957 --> 00:02:51,215
No, I've just come back
from me evening class ain't I?

39
00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:55,533
You know I told you we'd
applied for an Arts Council grant? We got it!

40
00:02:55,996 --> 00:02:56,714
Never!

41
00:02:56,749 --> 00:02:57,953
Yeah, straight up!

42
00:02:57,988 --> 00:03:01,462
Mr Stevens, right, he's head
of our art group, got confirmation this morning.

43
00:03:01,966 --> 00:03:05,864
We got ten thousand pounds
to make a local community film.

44
00:03:05,899 --> 00:03:10,278
And we've got all the equipment, everything -
and guess who's in charge of the project?

45
00:03:10,537 --> 00:03:11,474
You're putting me on!

46
00:03:11,509 --> 00:03:14,165
No, straight up, it's me.
What I've got to do, you see,

47
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:18,693
I've gotta come up with the idea and then delegate the
various responsibilities to all the other students.

48
00:03:18,912 --> 00:03:21,714
Yeah, well put me in won't
you? I'm a member of your art class aren't I?

49
00:03:21,749 --> 00:03:26,224
Oh come off it Mickey, you only came one night - and
that's only cos I told you we had a nude model.

50
00:03:27,383 --> 00:03:33,796
Yeah, well I thought it would
be a bird. You've gotta write it Rodney?

51
00:03:35,121 --> 00:03:37,262
Well, you're a natural when it
comes to the written word.

52
00:03:37,595 --> 00:03:40,441
I'll never forget that thing
you wrote some years back. What was it called?

53
00:03:40,956 --> 00:03:42,107
The Indictment.

54
00:03:42,142 --> 00:03:43,335
That's it, The Indictment,
yeah.

55
00:03:43,370 --> 00:03:47,654
That would have made a terrific book you know. Why
didn't you send it to the publisher?

56
00:03:47,689 --> 00:03:49,526
I'll be perfectly honest with
you Mickey.

57
00:03:49,706 --> 00:03:53,090
I couldn't think of a single publisher who
could understand what I was saying.

58
00:03:53,559 --> 00:03:55,071
Yeah, it was a bit strange
weren't it?

59
00:03:55,494 --> 00:03:58,232
- Alright Rodders?
- Hello Del, what you having?

60
00:03:58,632 --> 00:03:59,399
What am I having?

61
00:03:59,434 --> 00:04:01,218
A bleedin' hard time with
this moaner, here.

62
00:04:01,253 --> 00:04:04,044
I shouldn't be humping bales
of hay around at my time of life.

63
00:04:04,079 --> 00:04:05,563
Bales of hay??

64
00:04:05,598 --> 00:04:09,877
You see, Abdul's cousin's
girlfriend's brother's mate, right,

65
00:04:09,912 --> 00:04:11,906
he's a gamekeeper
down at one of these private Zoos!

66
00:04:11,941 --> 00:04:17,227
And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first
wife's stepfather, right, he works for an animal food company.

67
00:04:17,262 --> 00:04:19,472
So, put the two together and what you got -
a nice little earner.

68
00:04:20,854 --> 00:04:23,550
Don't wanna worry you but I
think you've got something nesting in there, old son.

69
00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:26,083
Up yer shirt!

70
00:04:27,290 --> 00:04:28,818
Hang on. I'll see you in a
minute.

71
00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:34,463
While you've been poncing around at yer soppy art class
I've had to unload two tons of hay!

72
00:04:34,712 --> 00:04:36,769
Oh, poncing around, is that
what you call it?

73
00:04:37,355 --> 00:04:42,144
Well, for your information,
this evening I was commissioned to make a film!

74
00:04:44,761 --> 00:04:47,578
Leave it out Dave, I wouldn't
leave you to make a jelly!

75
00:04:48,907 --> 00:04:52,152
I have heard rumours Mickey
Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch!

76
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,401
- It's true.
- I love it, Boycie.

77
00:04:55,436 --> 00:04:58,414
I'm telling you!! I've got all
the equipment, and everything!

78
00:04:58,843 --> 00:05:02,088
I'm writing it and...and
Mickey Pearce is directing!

79
00:05:02,393 --> 00:05:05,863
You what...Mickey Pearce
directing. He couldn't direct a sea gull to the coast him.

80
00:05:06,545 --> 00:05:08,400
He's got experience in films!

81
00:05:08,647 --> 00:05:11,382
What, that Saturday-morning
job at the photographic counter at Boots?

82
00:05:11,701 --> 00:05:14,588
Leave it out Rodney. Anyway, you
couldn't write a film script.

83
00:05:14,933 --> 00:05:18,498
I mean, what was that book that you wrote,
what was it called The Indikment,

84
00:05:18,780 --> 00:05:20,391
I mean that never got published did it, eh?

85
00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:22,619
No, 'cos you chucked it down
the bloody chute!

86
00:05:22,787 --> 00:05:25,178
Yes that's right, because I
didn't want to see you disappointed!

87
00:05:25,378 --> 00:05:29,002
It was a bloody stupid story - no murders
in it or nothing!

88
00:05:29,679 --> 00:05:32,606
It was an indictment of a
failing system weren't it?

89
00:05:33,172 --> 00:05:38,732
Alright, it was a first effort so it probably didn't
have the same social impact as, say, Cathy Come Home!

90
00:05:39,016 --> 00:05:41,805
It didn't have the same social
impact as Lassie Come Home!

91
00:05:42,789 --> 00:05:44,755
This film you're making Rodney
- anyone in it we know?

92
00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:48,829
I tell you what, all them
birds are in it for a start, look.

93
00:05:49,088 --> 00:05:51,284
That's a shred move on your
part Rodney.

94
00:05:51,556 --> 00:05:57,310
You're the writer, Mickey's the
director. So he gets the casting couch and you get the Biro!

95
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:25,803
'Ey up there, here you are Oscar, quick, mind out  - 
I've got a present for you. There y'are.

96
00:06:26,064 --> 00:06:28,402
- What is it?
- Close your eyes.

97
00:06:28,739 --> 00:06:31,292
- Oh come on Del!
- Now, come on, close yer eyes!

98
00:06:32,445 --> 00:06:34,812
I bet Tom Stoppard don't have
to put up with all this!

99
00:06:35,894 --> 00:06:40,068
Alright, come on then open
'em. Well? There you are.

100
00:06:43,967 --> 00:06:45,434
It's a
typewriter, innit?

101
00:06:45,877 --> 00:06:50,248
You see that Albert, he
recognised it straight away, that's the author in him!

102
00:06:50,669 --> 00:06:53,075
Well, come on Rodney, come
on, let's get going boy.

103
00:06:53,649 --> 00:06:58,473
You'll soon have that old screenplay knocked out now
won't you my son? Go on, there.

104
00:06:58,846 --> 00:07:00,462
It's er...it's old isn't it?

105
00:07:00,730 --> 00:07:04,282
They made stuff to last in
them days. That is quality Rodney.

106
00:07:05,064 --> 00:07:07,418
Look at that crest,
by royal appointment.

107
00:07:08,668 --> 00:07:13,098
- Oh yeah...Victoria Regina!
- Well go'n.

108
00:07:13,846 --> 00:07:15,153
- What?
- Well go on, try it.

109
00:07:20,938 --> 00:07:22,085
It's very faint Del, innit?

110
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,730
Well you gotta hit it harder
than that Rodney - have another go.

111
00:07:27,903 --> 00:07:29,132
It's still faint.

112
00:07:29,504 --> 00:07:31,971
Well, you've gotta give it a
good whack haven't ya. Here, I'll show ya, look.

113
00:07:33,932 --> 00:07:35,710
There y'are, there y'are, 
that's a bit better, look.

114
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,595
Yeah that's great, thanks a
lot.

115
00:07:38,615 --> 00:07:41,095
- Away you go then.
- Away I go what?

116
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,128
Well, you know, you know,
start the old typing.

117
00:07:43,325 --> 00:07:44,469
Yeah, be creative.

118
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:48,765
Be creat... I can't just be
creative at the drop of a hat can I?

119
00:07:49,221 --> 00:07:54,459
There are certain things a writer needs before
he can actually start writing. Like a story!

120
00:07:55,782 --> 00:07:57,232
You ain't even got a story??

121
00:07:57,267 --> 00:08:00,365
Not exactly, I've only been
trying for a couple of days, ain't I?

122
00:08:00,727 --> 00:08:04,460
Listen, I've got an idea for a story and it's a bloody
good 'un an' all! D'you wanna hear it?

123
00:08:04,867 --> 00:08:06,100
No...Not really Del.

124
00:08:06,135 --> 00:08:07,423
Oh that's charming innit?

125
00:08:07,458 --> 00:08:12,028
You buy him a brand-new typewriter and come up with
a story for him, and what thanks d'you get?

126
00:08:12,478 --> 00:08:17,341
I'll tell you what thanks get Albert, no sodding
thanks, that's the thanks I get!

127
00:08:17,740 --> 00:08:19,720
Alright, tell me yer story
then!

128
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:22,770
No, no, don't bother yourself Rodney, please. I was
only tryin' to help you!

129
00:08:23,072 --> 00:08:26,540
Oh now, come on, honestly Del,
seriously, I'd like to hear your story...

130
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,739
Well, I need a
bit of help, don't I?

131
00:08:32,274 --> 00:08:37,232
Right, okay, now this is a
Jaws-type story.

132
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,068
Jaws?? Jaws has been done
though.

133
00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:44,000
I know it's been done! But this is different. It's
called...There's a Rhino Loose in the City!

134
00:08:49,449 --> 00:08:55,553
There's a Rhi... Loose In... 
As in rhinoceros?

135
00:08:55,782 --> 00:08:58,527
That's right. There's a Rhino
Loose in the City!

136
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,319
What's it about Del?

137
00:09:04,012 --> 00:09:09,002
Well, it's about this rhinoceros right, escapes from
the zoo and it heads straight for London!

138
00:09:09,914 --> 00:09:12,912
And after two or three days they find like
all these dead bodies lying about

139
00:09:13,148 --> 00:09:14,514
and no-one knows who's
done it!

140
00:09:14,882 --> 00:09:17,171
So, they get hold of this private detective,
you know,

141
00:09:17,206 --> 00:09:21,103
like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer
to try and solve the crime.

142
00:09:21,138 --> 00:09:24,965
Now the zoo keeper happens
to be a very attractive woman.

143
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:30,791
Before you know where you are, old Charlton
is giving the sort what for, so that's yer romantic interest!

144
00:09:32,424 --> 00:09:33,723
A rhinoceros??

145
00:09:34,372 --> 00:09:36,451
Yeah! But they don't know
it's missing!

146
00:09:37,397 --> 00:09:39,848
But how can you not know?

147
00:09:40,197 --> 00:09:44,071
If you've got a rhinoceros right and one day it ain't
there - well, you tend to know it's missing!

148
00:09:45,731 --> 00:09:47,544
Don't be a plonker all yer
life Rodney.

149
00:09:48,362 --> 00:09:52,598
She ain't got one rhinoceros, she probably
had two or three rhinoceroses!

150
00:09:52,863 --> 00:09:53,872
And how's he escape?

151
00:09:53,907 --> 00:09:55,897
Squeezed through the bars
most probably!

152
00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:59,535
Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney.
I'm only trying to help you.

153
00:09:59,802 --> 00:10:02,152
I don't believe this! Nobody
knows it's escaped?

154
00:10:02,861 --> 00:10:04,952
What about the eight million
people living in London?

155
00:10:04,987 --> 00:10:06,639
Don't none of them spot it?

156
00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:10,299
Yes! But the ones who spot
it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!

157
00:10:11,106 --> 00:10:12,429
And what about all the others?

158
00:10:13,309 --> 00:10:18,223
The people in offices, the people in cafes, the people
sitting on top of buses! It's a rhino Del.

159
00:10:20,166 --> 00:10:25,918
- He only comes out at night!
- What is it, a vampire rhino?

160
00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:30,102
No it is not a vampire rhino.
That is stupid that is, innit eh?

161
00:10:30,896 --> 00:10:32,391
And where does he live during
the day?

162
00:10:33,879 --> 00:10:35,766
In a lock-up garage in a back
street!

163
00:10:37,032 --> 00:10:38,503
What, he's leasing it is he?

164
00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:43,744
He's not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back
street where no one ever goes!

165
00:10:44,441 --> 00:10:47,449
The detective does find
it, only it's at night!

166
00:10:47,763 --> 00:10:48,988
And the rhino's gone out?

167
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:53,434
That's right see, so you see
the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery.

168
00:10:53,469 --> 00:10:57,488
You see what it is Rodney, 
not only is it a love story! It's a whodunit!

169
00:10:57,815 --> 00:11:02,829
An whodunit? What do you mean
an whodunit? We know who-dun-it! The rhino done it!

170
00:11:03,839 --> 00:11:07,866
Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they
don't know - the actors do they?

171
00:11:08,117 --> 00:11:11,891
This is something! A
rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo!

172
00:11:12,368 --> 00:11:15,628
There are 300 dead
bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints!

173
00:11:16,395 --> 00:11:21,925
There's a lockup garage two and 'arf foot deep in
rhinoceros crap and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!!

174
00:11:29,098 --> 00:11:31,608
I do admit there are one or two teething snags!

175
00:11:32,371 --> 00:11:34,739
But it's got all the essential
qualities of a hit hasn't it.

176
00:11:35,121 --> 00:11:37,977
I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings
and a bit of humpty dumpty!

177
00:11:39,403 --> 00:11:41,315
I mean, look, this is a
disaster movie!

178
00:11:41,515 --> 00:11:43,602
Disaster? It's a calamity
Del!

179
00:11:44,476 --> 00:11:45,816
Why is he killing people?

180
00:11:45,851 --> 00:11:50,750
Well, what d'you want him to be a social worker?
Well, he's a man-eater ain't he?

181
00:11:51,857 --> 00:11:56,517
No, no, rhinoceroses aren't
carnivorous! They're vegetarian!

182
00:11:57,962 --> 00:12:03,293
Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him
hide in the back of an health food shop!

183
00:12:04,581 --> 00:12:06,801
And he won't head for the
city neither.

184
00:12:07,221 --> 00:12:09,690
But he's gotta head for the
city so that he can kill lots of people!

185
00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:10,732
Yeah that's right!

186
00:12:10,767 --> 00:12:14,236
No, his natural habitat
would be open country.

187
00:12:17,365 --> 00:12:19,112
Alright, so what are you
suggesting?

188
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:24,487
We call the film There's a Rhino Loose
Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives??

189
00:12:25,980 --> 00:12:29,316
You don't call the likes of
Charlton Heston in 'cos something's eating carrots!

190
00:12:29,711 --> 00:12:31,205
I think it's a good idea Del.

191
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,458
- Thank you very much Albert.
- Yeah, well I'll pass!

192
00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:38,884
Alright, alright, I just wanted to put an idea in your
head that was all.

193
00:12:39,387 --> 00:12:40,965
I wish it'd been a bleedin' bullet
now!

194
00:12:42,157 --> 00:12:44,186
Del, I've only got a small
budget, ain't I?

195
00:12:44,605 --> 00:12:48,374
But that's the beauty of it Rodney.
I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap!

196
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:54,961
Yeah, alright Chas, I'll knock
out that stuff for you tomorrow night. Eh?

197
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:58,809
Um, not sure whether we'll be wanting the
rhino now.

198
00:12:59,387 --> 00:12:59,964
We won't.

199
00:13:00,764 --> 00:13:02,811
Alright, listen I'll give you
a bell tomorrow Chas. Tata mate.

200
00:13:07,278 --> 00:13:10,668
Oi Tony, come on, where's
that grub - we've been waiting 'alf hour.

201
00:13:10,914 --> 00:13:13,770
There's something I wanted to catch
on the telly, the Epilogue.

202
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:17,487
Wha' you order?

203
00:13:17,522 --> 00:13:20,985
Look I told you, two chicken
and rice and one Spanish omelette.

204
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,546
Two chicken rice, one Spanish
omerette.

205
00:13:24,736 --> 00:13:26,115
Can't even speak the lingo can
he?

206
00:13:27,751 --> 00:13:29,052
Well, how are you getting on
with your story then?

207
00:13:29,419 --> 00:13:33,636
Well I have the kernel of an
idea! I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat.

208
00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:36,227
It's what writers
call the gestation period.

209
00:13:36,594 --> 00:13:39,641
- And what do you call it?
- Stop it, stop your winding up you.

210
00:13:40,506 --> 00:13:42,057
And where's your director then
Rodney?

211
00:13:42,574 --> 00:13:45,557
He's acquainting himself with
the video camera and all the equipment.

212
00:13:45,903 --> 00:13:47,860
Yeah. He's down the Town Hall
filming a wedding.

213
00:13:50,715 --> 00:13:52,626
What d'you mean he's down the
Town Hall filming a wedding?

214
00:13:52,819 --> 00:13:55,164
Well, well you see what
happened was, I went down the Town Hall

215
00:13:55,199 --> 00:13:58,289
and around a few churches taking notes of the
banns.

216
00:13:58,324 --> 00:14:04,178
Then I contacted the brides and asked them if they'd like
their happiest day recorded on film for 50 quid a throw!

217
00:14:05,062 --> 00:14:06,705
I don't believe you're doing
this to me!

218
00:14:07,086 --> 00:14:10,814
Well look Rodney, that Mickey
Pearce has gotta practice with that camera ain't he?

219
00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:13,201
He's gotta work out how to focus it
and all that.

220
00:14:13,641 --> 00:14:16,052
You know, why
not earn while yer learn!

221
00:14:16,087 --> 00:14:19,323
That's what I say. Anyway, Boycie
nicks all them tapes from Boycie, don't he, eh?

222
00:14:19,875 --> 00:14:23,616
But Del, this is an opportunity for me
and all you're doing is making money out of it!

223
00:14:23,845 --> 00:14:30,723
It'll be alright because he's only got five or six weddings
to do, two or three christenings and he's finished.

224
00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:33,312
But that camera is council
property!

225
00:14:33,685 --> 00:14:36,060
- Yeah, so is the Town Hall.
- Yeah see, there you go!

226
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,073
You're just abusing the trust
shown in me, ain't yer.

227
00:14:39,108 --> 00:14:42,774
LWill you shut up you
tart! Look, here is your share.

228
00:14:43,044 --> 00:14:44,568
I don't want it.

229
00:14:44,939 --> 00:14:48,222
Oh well, please yourself. It
goes back in the...

230
00:14:48,257 --> 00:14:49,398
Alright, just this once!

231
00:14:49,887 --> 00:14:52,090
Don't do me no favours Rodney!
Will ya, eh?

232
00:14:52,365 --> 00:14:53,431
You've got a nerve...

233
00:14:53,466 --> 00:14:55,664
Well, that's shut you up for
a good while though innit Boycie!

234
00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:58,198
I keep telling you Marlene,
them doctors don't know everything!

235
00:14:58,233 --> 00:14:59,855
They're a bunch
of chancers that's all.

236
00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:04,290
Good afternoon, I phoned an
order through earlier, Mr Boyce.

237
00:15:04,532 --> 00:15:06,301
- Oh yes, I go see.
- Thank you.

238
00:15:06,336 --> 00:15:07,867
All those bloody tests I've
had!

239
00:15:07,902 --> 00:15:09,269
And what about all the bloody
tests I've...

240
00:15:09,304 --> 00:15:14,071
Oh, good afternoon Derek. I
didn't realise you and your family were dining out.

241
00:15:14,326 --> 00:15:16,794
Oh yes, I like to treat 'em
once in a while, keep the moral up.

242
00:15:16,829 --> 00:15:20,995
Hello darling, how are you?
Hey, is my little godson in there yet?

243
00:15:21,269 --> 00:15:24,446
No he ain't! And he ain't
likely to be with him around!

244
00:15:24,732 --> 00:15:26,708
Marlene bloody nuffing!

245
00:15:27,048 --> 00:15:29,817
All these years you've said it
was my fault we couldn't have kids!

246
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:33,723
They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with
me - it's him.

247
00:15:35,136 --> 00:15:36,832
Ain't it bleedin' fair eh??

248
00:15:37,761 --> 00:15:39,807
What's the matter then
Boycie? You ain't a noofter are you?

249
00:15:41,243 --> 00:15:43,062
See that you've started now
Marlene?

250
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:46,772
Even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss
this outside the confines of the laboratory.

251
00:15:46,807 --> 00:15:50,095
And you're holding a public debate in
a Chinese take-away.

252
00:15:50,902 --> 00:15:53,132
He's got what the doctors
call a low count.

253
00:15:54,613 --> 00:15:56,364
Don't want to buy a
calculator do you Boyce?

254
00:15:58,612 --> 00:16:00,049
- What's it mean?
- Nothing!

255
00:16:00,354 --> 00:16:04,341
It means he's been firing more
blanks than the Territorials!

256
00:16:07,678 --> 00:16:09,558
You happy now Marlene?

257
00:16:10,184 --> 00:16:12,700
- My Boyce, prawn balls?
- Yes thank...

258
00:16:14,903 --> 00:16:16,916
Yes, thank you very much.

259
00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:23,932
It's our anniversary next Friday. 20 years, Gawd, that's
something to celebrate innit?

260
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:26,834
Anyway, we've hired the pub
and you're all invited.

261
00:16:27,122 --> 00:16:28,732
Oh lovely, we'll be there
sweetheart.

262
00:16:29,145 --> 00:16:30,927
Well, come along then Marlene.

263
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:36,236
Yeah alright, oh Rodney is
that right you're making a film?

264
00:16:37,023 --> 00:16:39,814
You know I used to act a bit
when I was younger.

265
00:16:40,442 --> 00:16:44,845
Actually someone once said that I had
a promising career in films.

266
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:49,009
Yeah, then talkies come
along and ruined it! Let's go Marlene!

267
00:16:49,436 --> 00:16:51,279
Tara Marlene. Bye bye Boycie.

268
00:16:57,998 --> 00:17:00,394
What about that then? Old
Boycie being a Jaffa.

269
00:17:01,077 --> 00:17:03,346
- A Jaffa?
- Yeah, you know, seedless!

270
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,863
I could use Boycie's problem
as a theme for my film couldn't I.

271
00:17:12,152 --> 00:17:16,227
Because that hospital they attend, that's
one of the leading centres for genetic research,

272
00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:19,680
artificial insemination and
all that. That's quite interesting?

273
00:17:20,064 --> 00:17:22,493
Oh yeah, on the edge of yer
seat stuff that - yeah.

274
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,763
Have you thought any more about
the rhino story?

275
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:29,367
Del, I am not doing a film about a blood-sucking
rhinoceros and a divvy detective!

276
00:17:29,898 --> 00:17:31,738
No, that hospital
interests me though.

277
00:17:32,082 --> 00:17:35,202
I don't reckon they should be
allowed to do it - freezing things and all that.

278
00:17:35,556 --> 00:17:36,987
They're
messing around with nature.

279
00:17:37,218 --> 00:17:39,128
No, they're not messing around
with nature are they?

280
00:17:39,318 --> 00:17:40,773
They're assisting nature!

281
00:17:41,081 --> 00:17:46,651
See, 'cos they only freeze the ova, or
eggs, right, until they are ready to be fertilised, right,

282
00:17:46,686 --> 00:17:52,761
and then thy get the
egg and well they sort of mix...There's this geezer...

283
00:17:52,796 --> 00:17:54,445
Oi, oi, I've ordered an
omelette 'ere.

284
00:17:54,911 --> 00:18:00,289
Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I reckon, in a few years time,
young married couples wanting to start a family,

285
00:18:00,324 --> 00:18:03,310
they won't go to the doctors, they'll
nip down the road to Bejams!

286
00:18:17,409 --> 00:18:21,151
- Everything alright Rodney?
- No, the T and the A are missing.

287
00:18:21,703 --> 00:18:23,073
Well it's no problem is it?

288
00:18:23,430 --> 00:18:25,704
Well it is if you wanna
write words like 'at'!

289
00:18:26,492 --> 00:18:29,436
You'll find a way round it,
I've got faith in you, I really have.

290
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,893
Anyway, how are you coming on? Can I have a
read, or something?

291
00:18:31,928 --> 00:18:33,504
No you can't! It's not
finished yet!

292
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,155
Oh alright. What's this,
just a minute.

293
00:18:35,190 --> 00:18:38,378
What's this red mark up here,
is that something technical is it?

294
00:18:38,888 --> 00:18:40,963
No, one of my fingers started
bleeding!

295
00:18:42,292 --> 00:18:43,305
Never mind, you'll be alright.

296
00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:46,271
Hey! I tell you what, your movie ain't 'alf caused a
stir round here!

297
00:18:46,474 --> 00:18:50,063
You'd be surprised how many actors
and actresses live locally.

298
00:18:50,098 --> 00:18:54,337
I don't mean - you know, like professionals, I mean a
lot of new, fresh, untapped talent!

299
00:18:54,372 --> 00:18:56,100
Well, I made a list
for yer, there you are.

300
00:19:01,302 --> 00:19:03,556
You're not suggesting I use
all these people in my film?

301
00:19:04,402 --> 00:19:07,975
Just extras Rodney, just extras. Never mind the
quantity think about the quality!

302
00:19:08,191 --> 00:19:09,767
I'm thinking about the money
Del!

303
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:12,124
I did say, well a tenner a
day.

304
00:19:12,406 --> 00:19:13,995
I can't afford to pay 'em a
tenner a day!

305
00:19:14,242 --> 00:19:15,767
No, they pay us a tenner a
day.

306
00:19:16,707 --> 00:19:18,587
You're just exploiting people
again ain't yer?

307
00:19:18,773 --> 00:19:21,879
No I am not Rodney. I've given
'em your word now.

308
00:19:22,257 --> 00:19:24,051
Well you had no right to!

309
00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:27,541
Alright here�s your share.
There you go, look.

310
00:19:30,801 --> 00:19:31,675
And they're just extras?

311
00:19:32,732 --> 00:19:33,374
Just extras, that's all.

312
00:19:34,150 --> 00:19:38,711
By the way, there's a list here
of local businesses you might like to mention.

313
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,383
The Seventh Heaven Sauna
Parlour??

314
00:19:46,226 --> 00:19:49,952
Yeah, just a mention, something like 'The nice relaxing
atmospheric, nice and friendly service.'

315
00:19:49,987 --> 00:19:52,752
You know what I mean? Oh, is the
undertaker's down there?

316
00:19:54,031 --> 00:19:55,782
- No.
- Oh well bear it in mind, will yer?

317
00:19:56,513 --> 00:20:01,205
Del, why are you doing this to me? I had high hopes when
I started this project!

318
00:20:01,554 --> 00:20:05,202
Mr Stevens said if it was good
enough he'd show it at the National Film Theatre.

319
00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:07,940
What's the matter with you,
you're earning ain't yer?

320
00:20:08,557 --> 00:20:12,949
Look, listen I've gotta shoot, I've got another
client to meet. It might mean another booking...

321
00:20:13,571 --> 00:20:20,197
'Ere, talking about that...what is a 'natural birth'?
Never mind - I'll find out myself.

322
00:20:21,574 --> 00:20:23,391
 Albert,
d'you wanna lift?

323
00:20:23,630 --> 00:20:25,181
Yeah, I'll be with you in
a minute son.

324
00:20:25,216 --> 00:20:28,914
Well come on, come on shift yourself I ain't got
all night you know. See you later.

325
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,703
Smile, you're on Candid Camera.

326
00:20:33,224 --> 00:20:36,083
Alright, listen, I might have
another booking for you later on. I'll give you a bell, alright.

327
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,022
Alright Rodney?

328
00:20:38,057 --> 00:20:40,661
No it's not alright! This is
getting out of hand!

329
00:20:40,696 --> 00:20:41,922
Look!

330
00:20:42,544 --> 00:20:43,807
What is it, a petition?

331
00:20:43,842 --> 00:20:45,462
No, that's our cast list!

332
00:20:45,804 --> 00:20:48,823
And this is a list of all the
shops and businesses we've gotta advertise.

333
00:20:50,218 --> 00:20:53,499
- He forgot the undertakers!
- You mean you knew about it?

334
00:20:53,981 --> 00:20:55,520
Well it's good business
Rodney!

335
00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:57,305
Right, I'm off out now Rodney.

336
00:20:58,490 --> 00:21:00,980
- I'll get it.
- Look it's gotta stop Mickey!

337
00:21:01,015 --> 00:21:03,452
We're promoting shops and
businesses, ain't we?

338
00:21:03,731 --> 00:21:05,876
We've got more extras than Ben
Hur there.

339
00:21:06,167 --> 00:21:12,755
- Watcha babe. This is Amanda.
- It's a what?

340
00:21:14,047 --> 00:21:17,167
Amanda. I'm taking her out for a drink tonight so I
asked her round here

341
00:21:17,758 --> 00:21:19,977
so you could make her a nice
cup of coffee. Alright Rodney.

342
00:21:21,659 --> 00:21:22,973
Yeah, okay.

343
00:21:32,913 --> 00:21:34,526
- D'you take sugar?
- Two please.

344
00:21:38,876 --> 00:21:41,026
Mickey, could I have a
moment of your time please.

345
00:21:41,061 --> 00:21:42,202
What's up?

346
00:21:42,237 --> 00:21:44,880
Why is she wearing a nurse's
uniform?

347
00:21:45,373 --> 00:21:46,759
She's just come off duty!

348
00:21:46,794 --> 00:21:49,988
Oh yeah. You must think I've
just come off a banana boat! What are yer playing at??

349
00:21:50,687 --> 00:21:54,268
Look, I've been delivering these films for Boycie ain't I,
so I know where I can sell 'em.

350
00:21:54,865 --> 00:21:58,902
We've got all this equipment, why waste it? We
can cut the middle-man out!

351
00:21:58,937 --> 00:22:03,656
I'd like to cut your liver
out. You are not making any films in this flat.

352
00:22:03,691 --> 00:22:05,729
Understand? Both of you??

353
00:22:05,764 --> 00:22:08,385
Alright Rodney, no need to
get out yer pram about it.

354
00:22:09,250 --> 00:22:12,347
Sit down. I'll make you a cup of
coffee then you can both hit the road.

355
00:22:16,690 --> 00:22:19,052
What's happening? What the
bloody hell's happening?

356
00:22:19,868 --> 00:22:23,434
I've got a cast of thousands, I've
got more advertising than Pearl and Dean

357
00:22:24,354 --> 00:22:28,800
and now Mickey wants to make Emmanuelle in
Peckham. Oh, this is a bloody nightmare...

358
00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:38,478
Now Rodney, Rodney...Calm down...Deep
breaths...Nice 'n' easy does it...

359
00:22:39,344 --> 00:22:43,526
- Night Nurse Take One.
- Night Nurse Take One??

360
00:22:44,895 --> 00:22:47,014
That's the way baby. Let it
slip to the ground.

361
00:22:47,683 --> 00:22:49,176
Mickey...You better not be
doing...

362
00:22:50,899 --> 00:22:55,767
Oh no Mickey. No, get her
to put 'em back! Oh bloody hell!

363
00:22:58,468 --> 00:23:02,968
Hold 'em up. That's
it. Move 'em about a bit.

364
00:23:04,488 --> 00:23:08,153
Oh hurry up Mickey love.
Boycie, he don't like smiling for too long.

365
00:23:09,491 --> 00:23:11,981
Okay everybody, that's a
wrap.

366
00:23:12,363 --> 00:23:13,819
I wasn't ready for that
one.

367
00:23:14,139 --> 00:23:16,149
- Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary dear.

368
00:23:17,966 --> 00:23:20,825
Oi, vicar get a move on.
We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes.

369
00:23:21,088 --> 00:23:23,330
Yes, I'll be with you in just a
moment Mickey.

370
00:23:23,628 --> 00:23:26,536
Alright, I'll wait for you
down the church then. Alright Rodney?

371
00:23:26,837 --> 00:23:28,609
- Shut up!
- Please yerself!

372
00:23:29,263 --> 00:23:32,653
Here we go Rodney, my son,
there is your share, alright?

373
00:23:33,284 --> 00:23:36,903
I don't like this Del, you
know I don't like this. Ta.

374
00:23:37,394 --> 00:23:38,964
Here Del, we're slipping out
to the back room.

375
00:23:38,999 --> 00:23:40,722
- Alright?
- Right, good Mike, yeah.

376
00:23:40,757 --> 00:23:41,989
- Hi Rodney.
- Alright Mike.

377
00:23:42,024 --> 00:23:45,035
Of all the bars in all the
world and you had to walk into mine.

378
00:23:45,524 --> 00:23:47,437
You in my film as well
Mike are yer?

379
00:23:47,633 --> 00:23:49,867
Yeah, just a little cameo
role son. I'll see you in a minute.

380
00:23:50,177 --> 00:23:51,935
Come on Rodney. Come on
Albert.

381
00:23:55,818 --> 00:23:57,711
It all seems to be going
rather well.

382
00:23:57,914 --> 00:23:59,677
Oh yeah, it's very nice
innit vicar?

383
00:23:59,922 --> 00:24:02,392
I married the happy couple
all those years ago.

384
00:24:02,931 --> 00:24:06,739
Of course, I had hoped by now
that the Good Lord would have blessed their union

385
00:24:06,774 --> 00:24:10,491
with an offspring or two.
But if it's not to be...

386
00:24:10,804 --> 00:24:13,998
Well I heard that because of
the precarious state of the world,

387
00:24:14,182 --> 00:24:16,948
Boycie and Marlene
had decided against starting a family.

388
00:24:17,693 --> 00:24:21,374
Oh really? I heard that
Boycie was a Jaffa.

389
00:24:24,331 --> 00:24:28,001
Tell me, is it true that you're
making a film Rodney?

390
00:24:28,346 --> 00:24:30,054
Oh yeah. We got an Arts
Council grant.

391
00:24:30,710 --> 00:24:33,105
I er...I was talking with
Derek earlier...

392
00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:35,296
I'll give you a bell when we
start shooting vicar.

393
00:24:35,653 --> 00:24:37,011
Thank you my boy.

394
00:24:37,499 --> 00:24:39,209
Alright - everyone got a drink
have they?

395
00:24:40,241 --> 00:24:41,609
Even the vicar's in on it Del.

396
00:24:41,644 --> 00:24:43,350
- What you want to drink?
- Give us a beer.

397
00:24:43,558 --> 00:24:44,745
Here. Go on then my son.

398
00:24:44,780 --> 00:24:46,298
- Watcha Dave.
- Alright Trigger.

399
00:24:46,333 --> 00:24:49,959
- You dirty rat!
- Oh, this is getting bloody stupid.

400
00:24:50,762 --> 00:24:54,163
Alright gentlemen, would you like to settle down.
If you'd like to take your seats.

401
00:24:54,198 --> 00:24:55,428
Come on, here we go.

402
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:04,439
The Boycie Video and Leisure Arts Company
is proud to present the British Premiere

403
00:25:04,474 --> 00:25:12,001
of Night Nurse from the novel
by Enid Blyton.

404
00:25:17,199 --> 00:25:18,789
Ooh, that was a bit unexpected innit?

405
00:25:19,716 --> 00:25:21,767
Here look at that one. I've
got no sympathy for her, look.

406
00:25:22,578 --> 00:25:25,095
No, no, Del that's gotta be
special effects.

407
00:25:25,302 --> 00:25:29,657
No that's real. No stop -
it's starting proper now.

408
00:25:30,649 --> 00:25:34,152
Where do they get these grotty
flats to film in?

409
00:25:36,118 --> 00:25:39,187
'Ere I've seen that bird
before somewhere.

410
00:25:42,637 --> 00:25:48,555
Go on girl, let's have a look.
'Oh dear, I am tired I've just come back from nursing.'

411
00:25:57,327 --> 00:25:58,632
One of those would do me a
week.

412
00:26:00,379 --> 00:26:02,240
Hello, who's got her ear
muffs off now...

413
00:26:16,519 --> 00:26:19,243
It was nothing to do with me
Del. It was a Mickey Pearce production!

414
00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:21,253
Mickey Pearce. You wait till
I get my hands on him.

415
00:26:21,442 --> 00:26:24,204
I'm 'gonna shove that camera 'alf
a mile up his nostril!

416
00:26:24,716 --> 00:26:27,214
Rodney, didn't you have any
idea what you were getting yourself into?

417
00:26:27,249 --> 00:26:31,451
I thought Boycie wouldn't be too pleased you know,
someone muscling in on his business and that.

418
00:26:31,486 --> 00:26:35,244
God. Boycie. Boycie's not
the one that worries me.

419
00:26:35,279 --> 00:26:36,883
It's his partners that are
giving me grief.

420
00:26:36,918 --> 00:26:40,417
D'you know who's backing him in this,
only the Driscoll Brothers that's all.

421
00:26:40,667 --> 00:26:42,863
- Have you heard of 'em?
- No.

422
00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,370
No. Well let's hope they
haven't heard of you.

423
00:26:45,919 --> 00:26:49,316
Now I'm gonna see if I can save your knees and make
sure they stay in the same place.

424
00:26:49,496 --> 00:26:52,022
Now I'm stuffing this down
the khazi, you stay there.

425
00:26:52,057 --> 00:26:55,165
Del, I promise nothing like
this will ever happen again - I promise.

426
00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,019
Hello Rodney? Alright for a
cup of coffee??

427
00:27:00,340 --> 00:27:04,604
- Oh yes, do come in Mickey.
- I brought a few friends with me.

428
00:27:04,872 --> 00:27:05,743
Oh yes.

429
00:27:06,538 --> 00:27:08,556
Pearcie! I want a ruddy word
with you.

430
00:27:18,959 --> 00:27:22,184
Hello? Oh Mr Stevens, hi!

431
00:27:23,050 --> 00:27:27,590
Yeah, yeah and have you had a
chance to read it? Great.

432
00:27:28,244 --> 00:27:32,013
Well what do you think? And
please be truthfully blunt with me.

433
00:27:32,282 --> 00:27:42,562
Okay, yes, ah ha!
Yes well that's truthfully blunt innit Mr Stevens.

434
00:27:42,928 --> 00:27:48,023
Yes, there are a lot of characters
in it, yes, but all vital to the theme I thought.

435
00:27:49,146 --> 00:27:54,402
Yes, well, I actually wanted to write a film
that not only dealt with the contemporary issues

436
00:27:54,437 --> 00:27:58,579
but also challenged some of the more widely held
beliefs of modern youth!

437
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:04,931
No, that is no problem because my brother
knows where he can get us a rhino, yeah!